Who Am I?
Today as I walked to Book of Mormon class in the beautiful sunshine, feeling the slight breeze on my arms through my thin pink cardigan, I felt immensely grateful. Grateful to be in Provo, grateful to be alive, grateful to be a Latter Day Saint woman.
Most of this year was spent bemoaning the fact that Provo does not have evergreen trees and thick deep forests with long windy trails. Which is utter silliness. I love Washington, Provo is awesome in it's own way- wide open skies, the comfort of the mountains right there... there aren't evergreen trees, but there are beautiful trees that turn vibrant colors in the fall and burst with buds in the spring. The hikes are different, but they still exist! And trust me when I say I looove Provo in the summer time. The neighborhoods have beautiful gardens and big russian olive trees and cheery American flags everywhere.
There are so many families, and kids out playing when it's warm and I head to a park just up in a nearby neighborhood. Provo isn't perfect, but for some reason I convinced myself a few months ago that I just didn't like it here, and that had everything to do with where I was at mentally at the time, not with what Provo and BYU is.
I felt like, when I moved here, I had lost my identity. I didn't really have much of a plan for my life, I didn't know what I really wanted, and now that I couldn't define myself with my family and my kitties and my big dog and my church, I didn't even really know who I was. And with that gaping hole came a lot of confusion and fear.
If everyone had my standards, what made me special? What made me unique? I couldn't depend on things like my family or my friends to define me either, because they weren't there most of the time. I was lonely. It was uncomfortable. Besides, everything I'd been planning for in life, getting into BYU, was suddenly here, and so I just thought... Okay. Now what?
I don't really know exactly what has changed, except that I have felt every single day this week that heavenly Father knows exactly who I am. And that, along with all of my struggles over the course of the year, has helped to give me back a sense of identity. And the biggest part of that is my role as a daughter of God, in his kingdom, and my potential as a mother. Which I know may seem totally weird especially because I am not going to be having children any time soon.
But it's just, that potential. That I have the capacity to create my own eternal family... and that I am part of a family too. And that because of that, I'm not alone, not even now. When I am in the temple, I touch my ring and feel the presence of my ancestors around me in that very moment. That is family. They have contributed to who I am, and my greatest potential is to do the same. That is who I am, and will be. I am a daughter, of my parents, of my Father in heaven, and one day I will be a mother. Not to mention a wife.
For some reason, that gave me this huge sense of purpose and power, and I feel happier and more spiritual than I have in quite a while. Every single day I feel empowered by the spirit. I never want it to go away.
I know it might not make sense, because It's not actually where my life is right now-- why would I get a sense of identity from something I can be, but am not yet? But it has helped me so much to know who I am and what I want, what the purpose of my life is. Because it's a part of my eternal identity.
Most of this year was spent bemoaning the fact that Provo does not have evergreen trees and thick deep forests with long windy trails. Which is utter silliness. I love Washington, Provo is awesome in it's own way- wide open skies, the comfort of the mountains right there... there aren't evergreen trees, but there are beautiful trees that turn vibrant colors in the fall and burst with buds in the spring. The hikes are different, but they still exist! And trust me when I say I looove Provo in the summer time. The neighborhoods have beautiful gardens and big russian olive trees and cheery American flags everywhere.
There are so many families, and kids out playing when it's warm and I head to a park just up in a nearby neighborhood. Provo isn't perfect, but for some reason I convinced myself a few months ago that I just didn't like it here, and that had everything to do with where I was at mentally at the time, not with what Provo and BYU is.
I felt like, when I moved here, I had lost my identity. I didn't really have much of a plan for my life, I didn't know what I really wanted, and now that I couldn't define myself with my family and my kitties and my big dog and my church, I didn't even really know who I was. And with that gaping hole came a lot of confusion and fear.
If everyone had my standards, what made me special? What made me unique? I couldn't depend on things like my family or my friends to define me either, because they weren't there most of the time. I was lonely. It was uncomfortable. Besides, everything I'd been planning for in life, getting into BYU, was suddenly here, and so I just thought... Okay. Now what?
I don't really know exactly what has changed, except that I have felt every single day this week that heavenly Father knows exactly who I am. And that, along with all of my struggles over the course of the year, has helped to give me back a sense of identity. And the biggest part of that is my role as a daughter of God, in his kingdom, and my potential as a mother. Which I know may seem totally weird especially because I am not going to be having children any time soon.
But it's just, that potential. That I have the capacity to create my own eternal family... and that I am part of a family too. And that because of that, I'm not alone, not even now. When I am in the temple, I touch my ring and feel the presence of my ancestors around me in that very moment. That is family. They have contributed to who I am, and my greatest potential is to do the same. That is who I am, and will be. I am a daughter, of my parents, of my Father in heaven, and one day I will be a mother. Not to mention a wife.
For some reason, that gave me this huge sense of purpose and power, and I feel happier and more spiritual than I have in quite a while. Every single day I feel empowered by the spirit. I never want it to go away.
I know it might not make sense, because It's not actually where my life is right now-- why would I get a sense of identity from something I can be, but am not yet? But it has helped me so much to know who I am and what I want, what the purpose of my life is. Because it's a part of my eternal identity.
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